Monthly Archives: August 2009

Untitled Rant


Today it actually hit me that in about a week and a half, I’ll be starting my final year at university. That’s right. The end is now a reality, no longer just a distant thought that brews in the back of one’s mind. And let me tell you, the realization literally scared the living daylights out of me.

I’m sure I’m not the first soon-to-be-college graduate who’s facing this, and I’m even more sure that I won’t be the last. So for those of you who have been through this, you know exactly how it is. In the back of your mind, you always kind of know that this day will eventually arrive, but when you’re a bright-eyed freshman, just starting out in this game called college, you somehow convince yourself that the end is very far–something YOU don’t have to worry about for a long time.

Well, for me, the end is not far at all anymore. It’s actually quite close, menacingly staring me in the face, asking me, ‘are you up for this challenge?’ And as I stare back, I find myself full of doubt. AM I up for the challenge? Do I really have what it takes? And furthermore, do I have what it takes to face the long journey of ‘real life’ that’ll follow graduation?

I honestly don’t feel like I do.

Anyway, I’m basically writing this blog because I just needed a chance to get some of my thoughts out. It’s well past 4am right now, and there’s not even the slightest hint of sleep in my eyes, and my brain seems to be running at about a thousand miles per minute. Talk about feeling anxious! And I’ve been feeling this way since yesterday. You know…yesterday, the day when I realized that I will soon be starting a final chapter to a very signifcant part of my life.

I will say, though, that yesterday was a productive day, and I suspect that today will be, as well. But that doesn’t seem to ease the stress that I’m currently feeling–stress that’s keeping me awake, might I add.

Summer’s coming to an end and anyone who knows my story knows that this summer has been ANYTHING but a season of relaxation and rest. To put it simply…it’s been hell. Oh, what I’d do to go back and change the overall ‘mood’ of this summer. But alas, that cannot be done. So instead, I must keep moving forward. Unfortunately, I’m at the point where I don’t feel I have the strength to keep going. But I suppose that’s where God’s strength comes in. HE makes me strong during my moments of weakness. But damn…it’s easy to forget that.

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say for now. Thanks to anyone who read this, for putting up with my late night/early morning ranting. I appreciate it. :)



Some people know that I used to be a HUGE (and that’s a serious understatement) Smallville fan. In fact, it’s probably better to say that I was, at one point, a flat out Smallville addict. When I wasn’t watching it, I was usually talking about it; when I wasn’t talking about it, I was usually online reading fan fiction, looking up spoilers, pictures, etc. Up until season 5, I bought all the DVD sets…and I watched them all a million times (and most–if not all–of the bonus features). So you get the point. I was obsessed. It’s actually kind of embarrassing in retrospect, lol. But whatever, it used to be a great show!

[By the way, for those of you who don’t know, the WB’s SMALLVILLE is basically a re-telling of the Superman mythology. It tells the story of a high-school aged, pre-Superman Clark Kent and his humble beginnings: his life on the family farm, his interactions with his friends and high school sweetheart, Lana Lang, his earliest encounters with his future nemesis, Lex Luthor, and dozens upon dozens of heroic decisions that he made as a teenager–all which led him towards his destiny of becoming The Man of Steel.]

At one point, the show was quite heart-warming. The writing was creative, and really a breath of fresh air. No one had ever told the story of Superman this way before.  So it was a weekly thrill to see Clark Kent (played by the insanely gorgeous Tom Welling) as he developed a number of his super-abilities and tried his best to be ‘normal’ (as normal as an alien can possibly be), as he struggled with things like crushes, popularity, and family issues, and so on. And especially in the early seasons of the show, the plot lines were so simple and relatable. It was encouraging (in a weird sort of way) to think that Superman, the world’s greatest superhero, once struggled with the same issues that any other average teenager in high school struggles with.

I was always partial towards the Clark Kent and Lana Lang (Clana) relationship. And Tom Welling and Kristin Kreuk (who played the lovely Lana Lang) did an absolutely brilliant job portraying that “first love” kind of relationship. And I think the thing that made that relationship so convincing was the fact that they kept things so simple and sweet: desire-filled stares, innocent giggling, nervous smiles…you know, all the things that any teenager in love for the first time experiences. When it all boils down, at least as far as the early seasons go, the real appeal of the Clana relationship was its simplicity. (Of course, for anyone who’s watched the later seasons, you know that the Clark and Lana relationship becomes anything but simple. It’s actually a rather epic tale of star-crossed lovers who seem to have absolutely everything against them and their happiness. Sigh. So sad!)

Anyway, a few weeks ago, while on vacation, I decided to bust out my season 1 DVD set. I watched a handful of episodes and you know what? It made me really sad. LOL. Watching Clark and Lana in their youthful bliss, and then thinking about their future fate literally made me sad for my favorite TV couple.

So, I wrote a poem. It’s basically a reflection of their story told from either of their points of view. I wouldn’t consider this the best poem I’ve ever written, but I think it captures not only how Clark and Lana feel in regards to their relationship (if they were to think back on it), but also how any early fan of Smallville feels when he or she remembers the show and what it was during it’s ‘glory days’ (because let’s face it…it’s a crapfest of a show now! Which, by the way, is precisely the reason I don’t watch anymore, lol). All that said, here’s the poem:


Take me back to the time
When things were simple—
Perhaps not carefree,
But so much more manageable
Than the life that lies before us now.

I miss the times of effortless
Smiles, teen-aged dreams,
And youthful uncertainties—

Days filled watching you
While you watched me;
Nights where our dreams suddenly became

Now those dreams and uncertainties
Have all grown up (just like us),
Become large.
Some dreams are now nothing but a nightmare.
And I am beneath them, feeling crushed,
Feeling smothered,
Suffocating as I dream
About a life I’ll never know again.

And all the while, my heart beats faster.
It desires;
It yearns.
I long for simplicity.